Now

And just when I thought it was over, the long wait and suspense to finally be able to commit myself to someone and be done with what seemed like a lifelong search for that ‘one’ had come to an end; his words ran through my chest and mind like a freight train derailed in the cold dark night. Penetrating my soul and piercing the very core that was left shining. That which gave me the last glimmer of hope that kept me in the fight had left me.

This time I did not fall. I took his words that landed on my ears like a boxer’s blow to the side of my head, ringing and echoing, as they left his mouth. The face of every man that had ever rejected me flashed before my eyes exhausting my vision, rendering me blind in a fiery fury that set fire to the gunpowder trail that lead to the stack of ammunition I stored at the base of my mind. I choked on the smoke his words left in the air as I reached out for reality and all composure that was fleeting my being. Losing all sense of self regulation that locked my knees in position to keep my balance, I clammered to keep hold of reality.

In the moment I thought I’d lose all control and lash out causing a scene, however I kept my composure though inside I was raging. I surrendered to his pleasure as tears rolled down the cheeks of my soul and out my eyes. What could be hot and everlasting became cold and temporary. I shifted my heart to deep freezer to not feel the pain of the piercing destiny I am about to face. Submitting to a pleasure that is far from what I desire. I send myself to the future to comfort me as I regret my decisions, it makes it easier to bare.

When we are done I burn him with the fire that is blazing inside of me, the fire he started. The fire that is filled with pain and pleasure built up for a lifetime. I want him to be the last but he became the first. The first to feel the explosion of a billion tears that have become shards and they fell icy in my frozen heart.

I see the cuts from the blast across his face, as they ricochet back to the ground between us building a wall. The wall that melted when I saw our potential. Potential is gone and I take it for what it is right now. There is no longer a future to predict, no horoscope to advise, not even a dream to foretell. Only now.

Afaf “Ariashalaara” M.